The Detox Diaries: Radio Silence

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Gentle Reader,

It’s just after midnight.

I can’t sleep.

Truth is, I’m upset. About everything. It’s the chemicals (or lack thereof) in my brain. It’s the pain in my side, right where my liver sits, a pain that I had hoped would disappear upon a few hours of relief earlier this evening. It’s the heat. It’s the smoke in the air from the fires raging half a state away. It’s my mismatched furniture. It’s the stains on our carpets that will never go away no matter what cleaning process we use because the people who lived here before didn’t take care of anything. It’s my husband’s snoring. It’s the dogs barking.

There’s a good chance that the second I stop typing I’ll be a basket case.

Because I’ve learned the hard way that it’s best to avoid public writing when one’s emotions are out of check, I am going to be stepping away from here for the next couple of weeks. My plan is to join you again on August 4, but I’ll be honest and say that may not happen. August is usually the hottest month of the year around here, and therefore the hardest month for me.

I hope you all experience the wonderful blessing of feeling the tangible presence of God this day.

See you later.

My journey to faith. (15)

To read all the posts in The Detox Diaries series, go here.

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The Detox Diaries: Confidence

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Gentle Reader,

I’ve been working on memorizing a few passages of Scripture, one of them being Proverbs 31:25 –

I am clothed with strength and dignity. I laugh without fear of the future. (NLT; personalized and emphasis mine)

That’s what I want. I want to be in the moment and enjoy it without any fear of the near or distant future.

Matthew Poole, on this verse:

She lives in constant tranquility of mind, and a confident and cheerful expectation of all future events, how calamitous soever, partly because she hath laid in provisions of a rainy day, and chiefly because she hath the comfortable remembrance of a well-spent life, and, which follows thereupon, a just confidence in God’s gracious providence and promises made to such persons.

A just confidence in God’s gracious providence.

Yes.

My journey to faith. (15)

To read all the posts in The Detox Diaries series, go here.

The Detox Diaries: Rock of Ages, Let Me Hide Myself in Thee

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Gentle Reader,

Since we’ve been doing this for a couple of months now, I would like to draw us back to the purpose of The Detox Diaries:

My motivation in sharing The Detox Diaries with you has nothing to do with garnering sympathy and everything to do with the knowledge that there is someone else out there struggling along with me, someone who may wonder if Christ is worth trusting through the pain. Or someone who doesn’t even have the hope of Christ to hold on to. That struggle may not involve medical issues. Maybe it’s finances. Broken relationships. Job loss. When I have been faced with such mountains in the past, I have usually given in to defeat before ever attempting the climb. Maybe you have, too.

Not this time.

You can trust Jesus. I can trust Jesus.

I believe that today just as strongly as I believed it then. In fact, I believe it more. I’m living it. Even though it’s hard. Even though the horizon is covered in soupy clouds. Even though I’m not sure what the next step is. Even though I can’t see where this path is going to lead.

The Lord is with me. I fling myself upon His mercy every day. He’s not going to be able to get rid of me, not that He would try. I am desperate for Him. I will lose this fight if I get stupid and arrogant and think that I can do it on my own. If faith is a crutch for weak people, well, fine. Give me the crutch. I know myself. I limp and it is only with His hand that I can walk upright.

You who read this: Do this thing. Fight this fight. Blow by blow. Come back to Jesus, over and over and over and over again. Every time a negative thought plops into your mind. Every time the news is bad. Every time that you don’t know what to do. And you know, do this thing if you’re having the best time of your life. If the sun is shining and the sky is clear. Don’t pursue the Lord only when you need or want something. Come back to Him and give Him praise. Practice in the light what you learned in the dark.

We must rely on God at all times, for He is the source of every good and perfect gift (James 1:17) as equally as He is the source of strength (Philippians 4:13). Everything we are, everything we have, is from His hand.

He has redeemed my soul from going down into the pit, and my life shall look upon the light.- Job 33:28

My journey to faith. (15)

To read all the posts in The Detox Diaries series, go here.

The Detox Diaries: We’re in This Thing Together

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Gentle Reader,

It was so hard to sit at my desk today. Focus was fleeting. The sorrow bubbled in the veins covered by the thin skin of my wrists, ready to spill out at any moment.

As soon as I got in my car, the tears began.

Naturally, I turned to Sandi Patty and the Friendship Company. This album came out in 1989. I listened to it all the time as a kid. When I found it online a few years ago, the choice was obvious. I had to buy it. Truly, this is the music I want to listen to when I’m having a tough day. There is something so rich in its simplicity. It is deeply comforting.

Please take a moment to listen. Really listen to the lyrics.

Today I would change one part of the song:

When the goin’ gets rough, the wait get’s tough…it’s okay if I am cryin’. I’ve got a friend that I can depend on! Jesus, I rely on!

As I did the whole heaving-breath, sucking-in-the-lower-lip thing, completed by the accompaniment of a snotty nose, the Holy Spirit impressed something on my heart, something that I’m going to have to hold onto fiercely in the days to come: Emotions won’t kill me. Crying won’t kill me. Better to feel the feels, have the cry and move on. Sure, maybe I’ll feel sad again shortly thereafter, but that’s okay.

We press on.

Together.

Jesus and me.

My journey to faith. (15)

To read all the posts in The Detox Diaries series, go here.