Gentle Reader,
It’s easy for others to become offended when they discover that I am a suspicious person. They take the lack of trust very personally. In some cases, this is warranted; some people really aren’t worthy of trust and they know it. That’s their problem. Most of the time, however, the lack of trust has nothing to do with the current people in my social sphere. No, the inability to freely connect has roots stretching far beyond the present. That’s my problem.
Few things are more difficult to fix than a broken trust button. It can be smashed any number of ways, but all of them ultimately fall under one heading: betrayal.
Betrayal colors everything. No matter how much I want to be in this moment, no matter how much I long for deeper intimacy with this friend, there is always the nagging fear of further pain. Will ___________ turn out to be like ___________, who did _________? There’s really no way to answer that question until the situation either does or doesn’t happen. In yet another way in which I don’t understand myself, I choose to associate with people who will do the exact same things as those who have hurt me before. Not only do I not trust, but I don’t believe myself to be worthy of relationships where trust can grow.
A broken trust button isn’t something that can be fixed overnight. It’s not as simple as popping it back into place. It is a delicate thing, to take the little pieces and glue them back together. It takes time. It takes energy. I think I can speak for all depressed people when I say that this isn’t the time to ask about the status of relationships or to engage in heated debate. This isn’t the time to stir up drama. A trust button can only be fixed in the hands of God – His time and His way. I have to cooperate with the process. Others should respect it.
For all the posts in the What Depression Means to Me series, go here.