Gentle Reader,
Do not remember the former things
or consider the things of old.
I am about to do a new thing;
now it springs forth; do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.– Isaiah 43:18-19 (NRSV)
Remembering that other human beings aren’t on par with God is freeing.
Allow me to elaborate.
Last week I shared that I was on my way to Nashville for the Wesleyan Theological Society conference. Before I go any further: Nashville traffic. What even is that? I have never done so much merging. I’m convinced that the city only has one actual road that loops in and around on itself repeatedly. Interestingly, I encountered no aggressive drivers. It’s as if everyone understands that getting around is a messy process and agrees to work together. Pacific Northwest towns, take note.
I presented my paper at 5 o’clock last Friday evening. Probably the worst time to present, at least for me. I was nervous (of course) but I was also so tired. At that point in the day, I just wanted to wash my face, put on sweatpants, and allow my brain to ooze out my ear. But, despite very much wanting to run away, I stayed. I stood up. I talked to about 15 people. (There are multiple sessions running each hour of the conference). My twenty-ish minutes of speaker notes came in a little short because I spoke too quickly. I set my notes down and asked the good listeners if there were any questions or comments.
Then came the feedback.
The critique.
Hear me clearly: I don’t have trouble receiving critique because I think I’m the smartest in the room. I have trouble receiving critique because I don’t think I’m the smartest in the room. Every day I battle against the excessively harsh, negative critic within. (Because of this, I also have trouble receiving praise). Jesus and I, along with therapists and my new spiritual director, we work on this. Continually. Some days are better than others.
This was a hard day. Like I said, I was nervous. I was tired. This was my first time presenting in a space like this. It was difficult to continue standing in front of the people and listen to their feedback. Let me be clear again: It wasn’t all or even mostly negative. Part of attending these conferences is to engage in conversation with others in order to sharpen each other. It’s good to wrestle with questions and to hear other perspectives. It’s good to learn alongside, from, and with others. I went into that space knowing – and telling my audience – that this particular paper is rough. Super preliminary. I am trying to work out where to go and how to go with any potential doctoral work.
I felt defeated by the end of the 30 minutes.
Here I will be honest and say that I think gender does enter into the equation. I am a woman in a male-dominated field. If it were possible, I’d like to see a man present the same information in the same way and be told to “soften” in order to “make the argument more palatable for others.” (Yes, that one got under my skin). But since that’s not possible, I am today doing the thing that Taylor Swift tells us to do: shake it off.
Because other people are human, just like me. The other pastors, educators, and scholars in that room have done great work, mediocre work, and bad work. They’ve had good ideas and awful ideas. They’re just people. Yes, God does speak and work through people. But the divide between the human and the Divine remains. We can be crabby, tired, nervous, insecure, biased, hungry and a thousand other things that impact what we say, how we say it, and the ways in which we interact with others. God isn’t like that. So we have to learn how to discern what to keep and carry forward, and what to let slide off our backs. Not easy, but necessary.
As we wrap up ten weeks of meditating on God’s words recorded in Isaiah: What new thing is God calling you to? What new thing does God want to do in and through and around you? What does God want you to shake off? What deserts of doubt or despair in your heart does God want to transform into wide open, well-watered spaces of healing and hope?
I encourage you to find time to sit in prayerful silence with these questions. Whatever the specific answers are for you, I am certain that God will lead you toward deeper love for God and for others. And sometimes that includes remembering that those others aren’t God, and you don’t have to give their voices quite as much weight as you might think.
GRACE AND PEACE ALONG THE WAY,
MARIE
Image Courtesy of Xuan Nguyen
P.S. – No posts for the next two weeks. I’ll see you again March 27. Until then, friend.