Gentle Reader,
I heard or read somewhere, at some point in my life, that we humans tell the same story over and over again. The setting will change, the language will be different, the cast of characters may expand or shrink as needed, but it’s always the same story. Will good triumph over evil? There are variations on the theme: comedic romance, dark tragedy, a narrative told in reverse. But it’s always good people and bad people locked in a struggle for supremacy.
This is, arguably I suppose, the story of Christianity. Only the twist on the theme here is that it’s lost people and the loving God who finds them. Except sometimes the lost people don’t want to be found. Or maybe they do, but the lostness has become familiar and safe; to take God’s hand seems too risky.
But Moses said to the LORD, “O my Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor even now that you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.” Then the LORD said to him, “Who gives speech to mortals? Who makes them mute or deaf, seeing or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you are to speak.” But he said, “O my Lord, please send someone else.”
– Exodus 4:10-13 (NRSV)
I love the story of God and Moses. I cry every time I read the scene at the end Deuteronomy, the one where God alone is with Moses when he dies. The level of intimacy between God and Moses is what I long to have with God myself.
But Moses never stopped being human.
He dies on a mountaintop with only God to bury him because of the mistakes he made.
And he starts the whole thing by begging God to let him off the hook.
If you continue reading, you’ll find that God is irritated with Moses. I don’t think it’s irritation for irritation’s sake, though, or because God is the Majestic Sovereign and Moses is just a puny human. God promises to be with Moses. God promises to teach him how to do what God is calling him to do. But Moses doesn’t seem to grasp that. His small fear is so close, so up in his face, that is clouds out God’s big, gracious, steadiness. God’s irritation isn’t simple annoyance over Moses failing to immediately start working. People have haggled with God before this (perhaps most famously, Abraham back in Genesis 18). People will run away from their God-ordained mission after this (Jonah, anyone)? God is patient enough to handle all this and more.
I think God is irritated with Moses because Moses isn’t speaking God’s words. He’s speaking his own words. And his own words keep him feeling small and trapped and scared. God knows that Moses doesn’t need to stay in that mental and emotional space that will keep him rooted in a life of exile away from his people. God knows that there is so much more and so much better for Moses.
I can’t tell you how much I understand begging God to let you off the hook. How much I understand wanting to run away. How fear can seem so oppressive, insurmountable, that you can’t even begin to think that God is bigger. That God will equip you for whatever it is God is asking you to do.
Today is my first official day as the Pastor for Discipleship at the church I’ve been part of for a little less than a year. Everything about it suits me – flexible hours, encouraging small group leaders, developing new leaders, helping people to get plugged into different groups, overseeing the educational aspects of congregational life. I don’t doubt that this is what God made me to do.
Afraid doesn’t even scratch the surface of what I feel.
I get Moses. Running away sometimes does seem like a good plan. But I also understand God. God sees us and the world in such a different way. God knows that God is with us, and because of that we are far more capable and courageous than we think we are. God knows that good triumphs. No matter how strong or deep the bad seems, the good is stronger and deeper.
So – do the thing afraid. That’s okay. Take the step. God is right there.
GRACE AND PEACE ALONG THE WAY,
MARIE
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