The Detox Diaries: Hard

Gentle Reader,

Yesterday’s post has received a number of comments, and I am thankful for the encouragement and the empathy. This life is hard, whether you experience illness and pain or not.

In this particular season, it’s hard for me to get out of bed. It’s hard to sit at my desk and work. It’s hard not to melt into a puddle of mush, complete with big ol’ tears and hilarious, ugly-cry faces. It’s hard to have a headache for 12 days (tomorrow will be 13 if it doesn’t break). It’s hard to have aching joints, itchy skin and sore, lumpy spots on my skull. It’s hard to have to think about every little thing I eat and drink.

But let me tell you something else.

God is good, faithful and true.

I only missed one day of work this month, despite wanting to hide under the covers each day, and that’s because of Him. He gave me the exact amount of strength I needed. I’ve had a hard time sleeping the past couple of weeks, what with a sore back and sore hips, plus a rush of anxiety that never fails to hit when the lights go out. He hears my begging, pleading prayers for relief and brings me peace every time. Barbs of doubt pierce into my heart. He reminds me of truth. I get nauseated; He grants me the ability to breathe deeply and it passes. There really isn’t a day that goes by in which I don’t see His gracious hand moving in my life.

So, yes, this life is hard. I won’t tell you it isn’t. I won’t pretend. Yet somehow, in the hardness, I see God more clearly. I don’t have any choice but to fling myself at His feet. I have to depend on Him for everything. Without Him, without His truth, I will go crazy. All the questions and nausea and pains will get to me and drive me to hopelessness. And hopelessness? It’s soul- (and sometimes body-) killing.

Been there, done that.

I know what will happen to me if I don’t keep myself steeped in the presence and truth of the Lord. I know precisely what choices I’ll make and where they will lead me. Not this time. I don’t want that. Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, there are answers I search for. I work out that frustration in front of Him. I ask Him the questions, knowing that, one day, there will be answers.

His timing and plans are good. Wonderful, even. I stand on that.

To read all the posts in The Detox Diaries series, go here.