Mildly elevated triglycerides (a type of fat, released by the body for energy between meals). Liver enzymes a couple of points above normal (indicates inflammation or damage). The presence of some extra fluid in the abdomen. A “remarkably inconclusive” ultrasound.
My doctor’s nurse called me last Friday morning and filled me in on all this. The elevated enzymes and the small amount of extra fluid are, at this point, being attributed to the elevated triglyceride levels. The radiologist recommended some kind of special MRI, but since cancer is still considered unlikely, that’s a step I’ll take down the road. In the meantime, I’m to stick with the Cymbalta weaning schedule, never go back on birth control, develop a love of cooking, watch for signs of an enlarged liver and spleen (including jaundice) and go back in August to have the blood work done again.
I’m battling the sense of being a ticking time bomb.
It doesn’t help that I’ve entered the super-anxious phase of withdrawal, which is likely going to last longer than anything else. Anxiety was what caused me to plunge into depression and seek out treatment in the first place. I’ve got a good support system and lots of tools in my belt, but I can’t stop my brain being flooded with chemicals. I pray (boy, do I pray!), spend time in Scripture, listen to uplifting music, and am working on dietary changes. (Hence the above comment about developing a love for cooking. I don’t see how I’m going to do what I need to without that). Too many times a day to number I remind myself that I must operate out of what I know, not what I feel.
But that doesn’t make the anxiety go away. That doesn’t stop the chemicals and synapses from going all wonky.
I wish people understood that without having to experience it. It’s truly wearying to feel physically upset or like you need to run away while knowing you don’t have any reason for it and that you can’t give in to it. The battle here is real.
My mom suggested I take one Valerian Root capsule yesterday afternoon, to see if that would help. I was wary at first, because Valerian Root is something I typically use as a sleep-aid. I didn’t really want to go to sleep at 4 p.m. She pointed out that three capsules are for sleep; maybe one would just be calming. It was. So I have that if I need it. Thankfully, today I am not quite so amped up.
As the days progress and I begin to sift through the piles of information, I am driven ever more to God. I don’t understand how people do life without Him. I really don’t. Is that weakness talking? Oh, you bet. Being honest with oneself leads to an admission of weakness. I’d rather keep being honest and keep walking with God than try to be…whatever it is the rest of the world thinks we’re supposed to be.
For all the posts in The Detox Diaries series, go here.