A month ago I was told that it will be very difficult for me to get pregnant, if not impossible. There is a good possibility that I am experiencing what is known as Premature Ovarian Failure (POF), thought to be brought on by a viral infection or an autoimmune disorder. As CFIDS is also thought to stem from these causes, I was not surprised as I read through the information.
As I’ve shared this news with others, I’ve gotten very sympathetic responses. The trouble is…well, I don’t feel like I need sympathetic responses.
I’m genuinely okay with not being able to get pregnant. If it’s in God’s plan and it happens, I have no doubt that I would love that child dearly. But I’ve never had the desire to experience pregnancy. Nothing about it appeals to me. Now, don’t read that and assume that I hate children. I don’t. I think they’re hilarious, insightful and beyond precious. I’ve just never had that drive to grow one inside me.
I don’t have, as one blogger calls it, “a wound that never heals and leaves a dull ache.” I don’t feel like less of a woman. Was Eve a woman simply because she had children? No. She was a woman because she was created that way. The intrinsic nature of womanhood is not directly tied to the functioning of the uterus and ovaries. It is tied, rather, to the pieces of God’s image woman reflects.
Perhaps this makes me an oddity. I don’t know. All I do know is that I don’t toss and turn at night, agonizing over the fact that I won’t experience that sacred nine-month mystery and then hold a wee one in my arms.
The pain that women who face infertility when they long to be pregnant is real and completely legitimate. I don’t wish to minimize that in any way. I also don’t want to pretend that I feel what I don’t feel. While I appreciate the kind words and the loving prayers, what I’d really like is acceptance. This might sound very harsh to you, but you don’t need to pray that God will open my womb. You don’t need to pray that I will be comforted in my grief. I don’t feel grief. I am convinced that there is a plan for me, as I am, and that His plan is good. Moreover, I take these words as His promise to me:
Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
Fill the air with song, you who’ve never experienced childbirth!
You’re ending up with far more children
than all those childbearing women.’ God says so!
– Isaiah 54:1 (MSG)
I can think of at least two dozen little ones whose lives I am privileged to be part of. I smile as their faces flash before my mind’s eye. I get to be the Auntie with the listening ear and the sugary treat. I get to be one who influences the lives of far more children than I perhaps could if I had my own.
I hope to one day adopt; I can think of nothing more honorable or amazing than that. For now, I am happy with my husband, my dogs and all those beautiful kids. Life is good as it is.