Comparison. A trap that keeps us stuck in “less than” mode. A snare that hinders us from developing relationships. A prison that slams its doors faster than we can blink.
Such an ugly word. Such an ugly trait.
I first “met” Nicki Koziarz earlier this year through her study on the book of Ruth, 5 Habits of a Woman who Doesn’t Quit. She is a warm and witty writer, creating an atmosphere of coziness between herself and the reader. I could easily imagine curling up on a couch, cup of coffee in hand, as she and I had a quiet, unrushed conversation. For one such as myself who is admittedly not the best at navigating relationships (why can’t everyone just be logical?), I am very drawn to people like Koziarz who go out of their way to say (or write), “Hey. You’re safe here. We can be real.”
Why Her? is a very real book. Koziarz doesn’t sugar-coat her story and struggles, nor does she shy away from the sordid details of the biblical account of Jacob, Leah and Rachel, a classic case-study in comparison and jealousy if there ever was one. Two women forced to share a husband. One beloved by that husband, the other tolerated. Competition for babies. Drama. Bitterness.
It’s not pleasant.
In the first chapter, Koziarz writes,
When anything other than God becomes our everything, disappointment is soon to follow.
– p. 18
That single sentence is a sermon all on its own. The rest of the book rests on coming to grips with the fact that God knows best. What other women possess or accomplish does not have to be threatening. Their successes do not have to prompt us to jealousy or self-loathing. If we can embrace God as our everything, trusting that He designed and gifted us in ways that bring Him glory and pleasure, we can break free of the comparison trap.
When our desires are front and center and we experience what feels like rejection, we can become so easily offended. Offended by God. Offended by others. Offended for ourselves. But I’ve learned something about all this. Being offended is not a condition inflicted on us. It’s a stance we choose.
– p. 139
Koziarz is right. While it’s natural and even normal to feel sorrow if someone else gets the opportunity we were hoping for, it’s not healthy for us to dwell in that sorrow. We get to choose how we handle the emotions attendant to disappointment and rejection. We get to decide if we will see the world through the lens of competition or the lens of collaboration.
I’m convinced one reason we struggle with a sense of lack in comparison with others stems from the lack of gratitude for what we’ve been given. Without gratitude, our gains in life don’t last very long. Those who sustain their ability to carry out God-assignments are those who walk quietly, humbly and with grateful confidence in what He’s given them.
– p. 157
Quietness, humility and gratefulness do not come easily to us. We have to ask the Holy Spirit for eyes to see the blessings that He has given us and for the ability to celebrate the blessings He gives others. Koziarz shares several practical tips throughout the book that help the reader in this quest. Additionally, she poses simple yet thought-provoking questions that will stay with the reader well beyond the last page.
The world is not kind to women. We are always too much or not enough. Sadly, we have learned to be unkind to ourselves, tearing down when we should be building up, competing when we should be celebrating. Why Her? calls us to embrace and empower each other as the sisters we are. This is God’s good plan for His daughters, the holy warrior-princesses who have no need for arrogance or self-loathing because they know who and Whose they are.