Note Before You Indignantly Comment: Yes, I know that not all men do these things. I am not operating from the assumption that they do.
Yes, I know that men can be and are harassed and assaulted. I simply write from the perspective of womanhood.
No, I do not believe or claim that women are perfect and all men are monsters.
I was 11 the first time a boy tried to grab my breasts. Several of us were playing on a trampoline. He lunged at me. I shoved him away. No, I was not mistaken as to his intent. He laughed when I shoved him. Made a rude comment.
Before that, long before that, boys made fun of me for being “too smart” and “ugly.” (To be fair, some of the girls made fun of me for these things, too). Freshman year of high school I even made it onto the official “ugly list.” Yes, the boys in my class made a list detailing which girls they liked and why (suffice it say that “intelligence” and “personality” were not factors). I remember some hand flapping from teachers, but nothing more than that. We girls were basically told to ignore them.
I attended a small, private Christian school for six years, so we got a “purity talk” every year around Valentine’s Day. Boys and girls split into separate classrooms. The boys’ talk lasted about 15 minutes. They went to the gym to play basketball. My junior year, the girls were lectured for close to two hours. Don’t put yourself in a situation where your purity will be compromised. Don’t wear a skirt shorter than this. V-neck shirts are not a good choice. Boys are boys; they can’t help themselves, so you need to have good boundaries.
The message was clear.
We were the responsible ones.
Our bodies, instead of being good, instead of being beautiful because God made them, were inherently dangerous. Seductive. Boys could hardly be expected to exercise self-control. They could hardly been expected to respect us.
Three girls (that I know of) were expelled from school because they were pregnant. One of those girls, her boyfriend attended the school. There was quite an uproar among the students because he wasn’t expelled. (To his credit, he chose to leave, although neither should have had to do so).
I have been groped, pinched, grabbed, slapped, screamed at, cussed out, manipulated, stalked. My “no” has been ignored. When I was a teen, grown men followed me around as I did my job at the library. Teenage boys used to pull my hair, snap my bra straps and even, on a few occasions, when they sat behind me, unhook my bra in the middle of class. I have received pornographic images from strangers on all of my social media accounts, despite having them locked down as tightly as possible.
I am far from the only one who has experienced these violations.
This is why the #MeToo Movement exists.
A movement that should prompt national mourning and reflection has, instead, pushed some to ask the same tired, old questions. Well, why did she/they wait so long to say anything? You know, she benefited from that, so what gives her the right to come forward? What was she wearing? Why did she put herself in that position? Why didn’t she just say “no?”
- Everyone knows why women don’t come forward: We aren’t believed. Even if/when we are believed, we aren’t a priority. In this country, there are tens of thousands of untested rape kits just sitting on shelves. Perhaps worse, the majority of perpetrators do not go to prison.
- Define “benefit.” And even if a woman did benefit, at one point, from someone doing something wrong, does that mean she can never raise her voice and say, “Yes, that was wrong”?
- It doesn’t matter what a woman is wearing. Women who wear burqas are harassed and assaulted.
- What position? Being alone with a man? Are we supposed to view all men as brutes who will hurt us? Are we supposed to be able to see the future, to know how this person will behave if we go on the date, take the meeting or have the drink?
- “No” is ignored. All the time.
Again, the message is clear.
The responsibility is on us.
This is all rage-inducing enough, but then throw in the fact that the Church – the worldwide people of God – is just as bad at dealing with sexual harassment and assault as everyone else and I genuinely want to tear my clothes and coat myself in ashes. Pastors – perpetrators – who should be permanently disqualified from the office are instead allowed to preach freely. Popular books encourage “lust management” instead of the soul-purity that Christ commands. Instead of the freedom to interact with each other as siblings, as fellow heirs and stewards, men and women are taught to view each other in terms of suspicion and danger – because, once more, men can’t control themselves and women are always and forever temptresses.
I like men. I married one. I have a dad and a brother. Grew up around several uncles and lots of boy cousins. Have always had male friends.
But some of you are wringing your hands. Some of you are saying that you don’t know how you’re supposed to act around women now. Come on. You aren’t that stupid. I know you aren’t.
Treat us with kindness and respect. Listen to us. View us as something more than breasts and a vagina. Something more than an object that exists to satisfy your desires.
Stop trying to roll your sin onto our shoulders. Your lust and bad attitudes – that’s you. Go before God and deal.
#MeToo is also #YouToo and #AllToo. Your sisters are screaming, exposing long-festering wounds to the light. Resist the urge to defend your fellow men. Hear the screams. See the tears. Absorb the full horror. Our torment is part of your experience, because we are family – adopted by Christ.
And family, when it functions the way God intended, sticks together.
Sexual sin – for that is what harassment and assault is – negatively impacts the whole Church. When one suffers, all suffer. There is no room for justifying, minimizing or rationalizing. Perpetrators are not to be coddled, excused, given a platform or hidden. Boys are not to be taught that they “will be boys,” but rather that they will be held accountable for their actions (just as girls are). The Church must become a community that emphasizes justice as equally as it does mercy.
Please, Church. Believe us.
8 thoughts on “Me Too, You Too, All Too”
Well said, Marie! Powerful post!
Thank you, my friend.
I long for justice. I know God will bring it. I believe that He is exposing all of these sins and inviting everyone to repentance.
Yes and Amen, and #MeToo, too!
Love you bunches, sweet friend!
Amen, Sister, amen!
The double standard in our churches is still appalling, and we are told that obviously unrepentant perpetrators are to be forgiven and restored as brothers in Christ, which is contrary to the Word of God. Men who claim to be Christians need to hear from the pulpit what godly behaviour looks like and then be held accountable for their actions.
Instead of being refuges for the hurting, too often churches have been attractive hunting grounds for womanizers and sexual deviants who know that church leadership will give them the benefit of the doubt. This needs to stop now!
God bless you for speaking up and taking a stand.
Mmmm. Had to pause and raise a hand in the air as I read your comment.
“Forgiveness” and “restoration” are twisted to mean “forget” and “ignore.” I do believe that truly repentant offenders are washed clean in Christ, but that doesn’t mean they get to have positions of power. That trust has been broken permanently.