Gentle Reader,
I made it to work every single day this month. Big deal for me.
My eyes are droopy so this is likely to be short and sweet (okay, salty). Kate says: pass.
Go.
I’m an outsider. I’ve never had a positive pregnancy test or felt those first, fluttering kicks. Never picked out a “going home” outfit or set up a nursery room. Never felt the pain of labor or the joy of cradling a newborn in my arms.
Really, I’m okay with all of that. God knows everything we will face and sometimes releases us from emotional suffering in advance. He’s done that for me. I am confident that my family is as it should be at this time – Chris and the fat, neurotic dogs – and He will make it clear when and if it’s time for a change (as in fostering or adoption, not kicking Chris out of the house).
My point is that I’m not involved in the battle women wage against each other. I stand on the edge and look in.
And I think it’s stupid.
So, so stupid.
One woman judges another for not breastfeeding. Another gives the new mom a side-eye because she gives her fussy baby a pacifier. Co-sleeping or cribs? Cloth or disposable diapers? Homemade or store-bought baby food? Name calling. Screeching.
Sanctimommy.
Pass.
Women should not do this to each other. It’s not about “educating” anyone. It’s about feeling superior. Prideful. Smug. The choices that a woman makes in the raising of her children (barring neglect or abuse) aren’t anyone else’s business. There is literally no reason for one woman to care about the kind of blanket with which another woman covers her baby at night.
Please, my sisters. Support each other. No caveats, no “I just want to help you do what’s best…” If your input isn’t sought, don’t give it. Pass on the urge to control and the judging and the shaming. Pass on the waste of energy and the fleeting sense of fulfillment that “defeating” another woman gives you. Pass on being unloving.
Just pass.
Stop.
Profound and wise, Marie. I hope that many women – and men – read this.
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We fight about the silliest stuff, don’t we?
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Amen! It always makes me so sad when I see women comparing about their mothering choices etc.
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Absolutely! I imagine that being a mom is hard enough without all that.
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I LOVE this! I think the ‘sanctimommyness’ comes from lack of self-confidence. When we lack self-confidence, we latch on (no pun intended) to something that seems right and hang on to it whilst touting its virtues from the housetops because we don’t want anyone to see that motherhood scares us and we’re afraid we’re going to screw up our child’s life by the decisions we make. God created us with the necessary skills and tools to take care of our own. The closer we grow in our relationship to God, the less need we have to demand that others become like us.
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Your last sentence hits me square between the eyes, Anita. How I want my identity and confidence to be rooted in Him!
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I agree wholeheartedly. What a waste of energy and a barrier to real relationship when we pick on each other and elevate choices about comparatively trivial things to such a high level. Thank you for your insights and wisdom 🙂
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I wonder how many mothers are in desperate need of encouragement? I imagine the numbers are high. Such a better way to use time!
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You said a whole lot in five minutes. A whole lot of good. xo PS, please don’t judge me because I don’t like Gilmore Girls!!! (I mention it in my FMF post – LOL)
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Haha! I love you anyway. 🙂
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Marie, I too have never had a positive pregnancy test or felt those first, fluttering kicks or felt the pain of labor. Through the blessing of adoption, I have picked out a “going home” outfit and had the joy of cradling a newborn (but only once out of 4 adoptions) and I’m okay with that too 🙂
I came to realize a long time ago, that each family has to determine the best way to raise their children. Healthy discussions are good. Judging? Not so good. New momma’s are some of the worst…and I was one of them! So thankful for God’s grace that softened me.
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I admire you for adopting. I think it takes a special kind of grit and guts to do that.
You’re right that healthy discussions are great. I have no problem with people sharing their opinions or wisdom. I’m just sick of watching mothers tear each other to pieces. Wherever we are on the journey of motherhood, we need to support each other!
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Oh, girl, you said it. Yes, you did. Sanctimommy—you nailed it with that creation! It’s all in our heads. And then we watch it happen and it’s just dumb. I’ve had some many questions with women about this. No more, sister. No more. Thank you, as always for truth with a capital T.
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I didn’t invent the word “sanctimommy.” I’m not sure who did, but it definitely fits.
You are a good mamma. I know we’ve never met, but I see in your writing nothing but love. Your family is in good hands. 🙂
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This is so true. Sometimes we can get so opinionated that we lose perspective of what we are really saying with our words and actions. Thank you for this encouraging reminder! Happy Friday to you. (Stopping by from FMF #33)
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We do lose perspective. We get so caught up in what’s right in front of us that the big picture gets all fuzzy. And we wind up hurting ourselves and others in the process. I know I’m certainly guilty of this.
Happy weekend!
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I think women can be this way about other things too, and I totally agree it’s a waste of time. It’s much better when we can get rid of judgement and criticism and support and love one another.
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Yes and amen!
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I’m with you, Marie. So with you. I’m tired of it all, and I’m thankful my kids are grown. Jesus calls to love one another. I don’t always do the best at that (in fact, some days I fail miserably), but with His help, I will give it my best shot. May we all do that. We women don’t need to add any more guilt to each other’s plate. I love your heart and your words, friend! Thank you.
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We definitely don’t need to add any guilt to each other’s loads. None of us are perfect at it, but I think we need to be more aware of the pressures we place on ourselves and on others. Let’s give each other hands up!
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Marie,
beautiful. And you are right. We’re all so afraid that we’re messing it up that when we see somebody doing it different, it furthers our insecurity. It can apply not only to mothering but to working out, to healthy eating, to anything where we are our own gods.
Am I worshiping myself? My goals? Or am I worshiping God and trying to be a good steward of my health and body and what He’s given me?
I’m still so encouraged and excited for your progress in getting healthier! Keep it up, it is inspiring me!
Love,
Tammy
(Linked way way down at #70 this week)
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Huh. I’ve never really thought about the link between insecurity and idolatry. Interesting!
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wow. very powerful. Heather Macfaden (sp?) from the God-centered mom has been saying a lot lately that God has given us the particular child that we have. so we know what is best for them because we are Christians and God gives us the wisdom to do what He wants that no other person can. I think that also has to do with our gifts. Thank you for sharing apart of your story with me. thanks for visiting my blog too : )
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