Clickity-clack go the keys as we chat away about everything and nothing. Books, movies, upcoming life events, the use of the word “homeslice.” We come together for a brief time, each one releasing a deep sigh. It’s been a long week. We are among friends.
Kate says: decide.
Do they make the sound that comes out of the alarm at 5:00 a.m. that annoying on purpose?
I am jolted awake and for a fleeting second think I might just have to murder someone. The brain fog lifts a little and I realize that it’s not some form of psychological warfare. I sigh. Sit up. Contemplate flopping back and floating off into that beautiful place of sleep.
I just turn it off, swing my legs out of bed and decide, again, to do it anyway.
Eleven days ago I plunged into the “21 Day Fix.” Exercise for 30 minutes, every single day. (Even Sunday). Learning about eating the right things the right way (which doesn’t mean dieting or deprivation). Stretching and sweating and aching and making goofy faces as I lift weights. Feeling my whole body shake as I strain to hold a plank position. Striving to be a little better today than I was yesterday.
I haven’t said much about this outside of the challenge group I’m part of because, honestly, I don’t want the input and opinions of others. This is intensely personal to me. I sobbed my way through the first workout, trying desperately to beat back the “you can’t do this” throbbing in my mind. To make this work with my body and my illness, I have to modify many of the exercise positions. I have to eat specific things in specific portions at specific times (or at least get as close as possible). I have to think. I have to choose.
It’s not about becoming “skinny,” dropping to a magical pants size or weight. I could care less if I stay the size I am now for the rest of my life. It really doesn’t matter. It’s not about vanity. What I want is to be as strong and healthy as I can reasonably be for a fairly weak and sick person. (That probably makes little sense if you have no experience with illness). I don’t want a perfectly flat stomach and I’m never going to have one because of #stupiddumbliver. I do want to do more crunches tomorrow than I did today. I don’t want a “thigh gap.” I do want to be able to hold a low sumo squat.
I want to be tough.
I decide to be tough.
And when I forget that decision as the tears and the sweat drip off of my face onto the mat and I strain to hold my abs correctly and move my legs properly, I cry out to the Lord. He gives me that extra, needed “umpf” even before the words have left my lips.
Because He made me, and He decided that I would be strong.
24 thoughts on “Five Minute Friday: Decide”
You go girl! Reading this made me want to cheer you on even more! This post showed me that you are determined despite your weaknesses. So once again you can do it! cheering you on : ) visiting from #4
So seriously … it’s been so long since I’ve been anywhere in the vicinity of the FMF. I kind of feel like an intruder. Except that I know you. I love you. And we’re doing this thing together. I love being in the Spring Challenge group with you and an SO PROUD of all the things you’re doing. We’re doing them together. I know it probably doesn’t seem like I’m all that shy about talking about it, but girl, I feel you. It’s pain and trepidation every time I post something about it. I love that we’re doing it for more than just a pants size. I love that we’re doing this for our life. Let’s be tough together. And decide. Every day. For us. Cheers!
I love you, girl! You’re amazing!
You are so strong friend. I’ve contemplated doing the 21 day fix myself, but am afraid. I think it would be so much better if I had people to hold me accountable. Oh and the shaky arms doing planks. I so get that. I couldn’t believe how shaky my arms were when I first did planks at Curves. I’m so glad you have decided to be strong. I’m in the #7 spot this week.
I believe you could absolutely do the Fix! You’re strong and awesome!
oh forgive me, I am totally an ugly-cry girl at the “wall” of a tough workout, but you somehow made me laugh at “Low Sumo Squat”. That phrase is something I think evoking a challenge across this interweb that makes me also want to accomplish it.
This post was beautiful. I also will not be flat tummy because #threebeautifuldaughters and Abs. Split. Every. Time. (no c-sections, though)
Thank you for sharing your decisions. I’m hoping you do feel stronger! 🙂
(#8 this week)
I’m glad you laughed. It’s good to laugh. 🙂 It is a real and, in my opinion, fun love – but you don’t laugh while doing it!
Bravo, Marie! You are an inspiration, and I believe in you.
#2 at FMF this week.
Back at you, brother!
Yay! Welcome to weight training.
I like it! Give me dumbbells over cardio any day.
Wait until you try barbells. I saw a young woman actually go into the squat rack and do squats the other day. It’s pretty rare at my gym and I almost wanted to applaud. The weight she was using was fairly modest but her technique was perfect.
My wife is approaching 60 and she suffers from any number of physical and hormonal issues, yet she diligently goes to the gym to work out, both on a cardio machine and doing resistance training. I’ve tried to interest her in free weights but she doesn’t feel confident with them so sticks to the machines.
I know that this might not be for you, and I apologize for “spamming” you with a couple of links, but I really do believe it’s important to overcome the myth about women and weight training. One of my inspirations is a young, competitive Olympic lifter named Morghan King who can lift twice her bodyweight over her head.
Again, I’m not suggesting this is for everyone, but my point is that we have the ability to exceed our limits as we perceive them and to overcome the “myths” about how strong we can become, whether you’re a woman or an older person like me.
I totally understand being as healthy as you can for a sick person. I struggled with several health issues a few years ago…worked out to T tapp to the best of my ability and tried to be as healthy as I could be when I was ill. I keep saying I’m gonna pull the t tapp back out and start again…certainly, I can find 15 minutes can’t I? Keep up the decision girl! In the 44 spot today
You can totally do it!
I cannot begin to tell you how much I needed these words today. Right now. In this moment. God is good. ALL the time.
And strong you are, my friend! Strong, you are! xoxo
Hi, Marie, I respect your journey, struggle, and honesty. Yes, you are strong and tough. And even when you miss a day, set a timer and do it again. You can do this, sister! I love the pacing of your words, BTW. Sounds weird, but I think you might know what I mean? Thank you for sharing all of it.
Such a good reminder. Gotta get up when I call down. Thanks for the encouragement and compliment!
You are doing a great thing! Hang in there! I hope that my story can encourage you a little.
I have struggled for 13 years with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, and all my life with severe depression. A year ago I also had Type 2 diabetes, and had suffered through the fall and winter with 3 bouts of bronchitis, sinusitis and double ear infections. Even with the infections gone, I could not get rid of the mucus in my sinuses and ears, to the extent that I was choking on the drainage and the constant noise in my ears was keeping me awake almost all the time and I was going out of my mind.
I decided to get healthy no matter what it took. Assuming that I had some kind of allergy or food sensitivity, I started by cutting out foods that were likely suspects. Later I went on the candida diet for several months, which meant cutting out all sugars and most starches. In the process I was also cutting out almost all processed food and we stopped going out to eat all the time.
I am now 60 pounds lighter, my blood sugar is normal, and while I will always be on medication for depression, I am on far fewer meds. All my physical symptoms have improved a lot and literally people don’t even recognize me. They tell me that my whole facial expression has changed and that I “glow.”Recently, I began a walking program ( I used to not be able to go more than a couple of blocks without serious pain),and I can’t believe it, but walking actually feels good!
I am not trying to say that all your health problems are going to disappear. I understand that your situation is complicated and different from mine. What I am saying is that all the effort and difficulty was incredibly worth it for me, and it may very well make a significant difference for you too. Keep hanging in there! I applaud you for taking this on!
I have absolutely no stake in the App I am about to mention. It is just that it is being a huge help to me in changing a number of personal habits ( including my new walking program) and I thought it could help you as well. It’s called HabitBull, and it keeps track of your success and motivates you to keep going. It is also free! Take a look and see what you think.
God bless you and give you strength for the fight!
Awesome story! Thank you for sharing with me. I’m so glad that you’re feeling better these days! I’ll give the app a look-see. 🙂
You go, Marie! Deciding to make changes for our good can be HARD. I love that your motivation is to make you stronger. To not let illness determine your mindset about yourself and your life. Thank you for sharing so honestly. You inspire me, friend.