It’s the FMFParty Retreat this weekend – instead of being there, I’m here.
At home. On the couch. With a fever off and on all day.
But loving the video and the chat. Loving my beautiful friends.
Kate and the crew. We are: here.
It’s hard for me to focus on anything when I’m feeling ill. Throw several sleepless nights in there and I’m done. Stick a fork in me.
So I don’t really feel “here.” In this moment. Instead I float through a sea of haziness. Vagueness. Cycling through “everything is soooooo funny” to *sob, this will never end!* to staring blankly at the wall like a zombie and back again.
Truthfully, I have trouble being “here” in general. My mind is usually cluttered with an exploding mosaic of random and barely-connected thoughts and worries. I don’t know if I notice too much or too little, but it is overwhelming on a good day. It takes a great deal of effort to push them aside and zero in.
For a time the struggle was less consuming. Ah, the days of anti-anxiety medication. Even though it’s been a year, I haven’t quite gotten the grasp of living without a little help from my capsule friends. Since February I have gone more than one round with the beast. Only recently did I realize that I’d sort of checked out of life. Pulled away from friends. Descended into a cozy little cocoon.
A cocoon that turns out to be not quite that cozy after all.
I’ll admit it: I like the creativity that comes from not having my emotions and senses blunted by the meds. But I don’t like that it’s hard to leave the house some days.
I don’t know where I’m going with this.
Guess all I really want to say is that I’m glad that Jesus still loves me. Even if I am a little crazy.
P.S. – I can’t write a post on this prompt without including the song “Here” by Alessia Cara. She’s not a Christian artist, so don’t click if you don’t do mainstream music, but I love this song. It’s pretty much the ultimate introvert non-party anthem. And it describes how I’ve felt at nearly all of the parties I’ve ever been to, both pre- and post-Christian. Give me a few good people and sweatpants over a crowd and noise. #introvertsuniteseparately