Five Minute Friday: Here

Pick the day. Enjoy it - to the hilt. The (1)

Gentle Reader,

It’s the FMFParty Retreat this weekend – instead of being there, I’m here.

At home. On the couch. With a fever off and on all day.

But loving the video and the chat. Loving my beautiful friends.

Kate and the crew. We are: here.

Go.

It’s hard for me to focus on anything when I’m feeling ill. Throw several sleepless nights in there and I’m done. Stick a fork in me.

So I don’t really feel “here.” In this moment. Instead I float through a sea of haziness. Vagueness. Cycling through “everything is soooooo funny” to *sob, this will never end!* to staring blankly at the wall like a zombie and back again.

Truthfully, I have trouble being “here” in general. My mind is usually cluttered with an exploding mosaic of random and barely-connected thoughts and worries. I don’t know if I notice too much or too little, but it is overwhelming on a good day. It takes a great deal of effort to push them aside and zero in.

For a time the struggle was less consuming. Ah, the days of anti-anxiety medication. Even though it’s been a year, I haven’t quite gotten the grasp of living without a little help from my capsule friends. Since February I have gone more than one round with the beast. Only recently did I realize that I’d sort of checked out of life. Pulled away from friends. Descended into a cozy little cocoon.

A cocoon that turns out to be not quite that cozy after all.

I’ll admit it: I like the creativity that comes from not having my emotions and senses blunted by the meds. But I don’t like that it’s hard to leave the house some days.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Guess all I really want to say is that I’m glad that Jesus still loves me. Even if I am a little crazy.

Stop.

My journey to faith. (15)

P.S. – I can’t write a post on this prompt without including the song “Here” by Alessia Cara. She’s not a Christian artist, so don’t click if you don’t do mainstream music, but I love this song. It’s pretty much the ultimate introvert non-party anthem. And it describes how I’ve felt at nearly all of the parties I’ve ever been to, both pre- and post-Christian. Give me a few good people and sweatpants over a crowd and noise. #introvertsuniteseparately

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11 thoughts on “Five Minute Friday: Here

  1. Marie,
    sorry for your fever. I enjoyed your rambling ways this week. I’ve also had a turmoily kind of week. Not sure why or how to make sense of it…but I’m praying for you. I felt a little like I’d slipped through the rabbit hole over to Wonderland and it wasn’t wonder”full” at all. 😉
    I raise a glass of mint tea in your direction and say “cheers” to my sweet friend, who was brought to me through a little thing called Five Minute Friday. Who knew it would bring such joy??
    I was poetic this time.
    Love,
    Tammy
    (#5 in the linkup this week)

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  2. I’m so glad you joined us virtually. We miss you HERE but know that you are with us in spirit. Truly I cannot live without knowing Jesus loves me too. Praying you feel better soon! Love you dear!

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  3. I love that you were able to join us tonight and party “here”, when if your here is over there. What a blessing this community is, and I’m always soooo happy to see your face on Thursday nights! 🙂

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  4. Ahhh, Marie. I’m so, so sorry it’s been such a tough week for you. Sometimes being HERE is a hard place to be. Some days, I’d rather escape from this place to something easier, more pleasant. I’m praying for you tonight. Thanks for sharing the song. It really made me think.
    Hugs friend!

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  5. Yeah, Marie, you’re rambling and a little nuts, but that’s why we love you, because you fit right in with the rest of us at FMF.

    I never had to take anti-anxiety meds…I am usually the cause of someone ELSE having to take them…but if high doses of narcotics (prescribed!) are anything similar, I can relate to the feeling of being blunted…and the feeling that I wish I had them back.

    Oh, wait. I have had to take them again…but the pain’s passed beyond their competence, so all I have now is Zen.

    Geddit? All I have now is Zen?

    Ah, well, at least I have a comrade like you
    and Jesus too.

    Y’all ain’t the only one who’s a bit loopy tonight. (But Zen meditation really does help.)

    And I am #8 on FMF.

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  6. Marie, sweet, sweet Marie – your words, your gift, your honesty, I want to sit with you and let you feel the presence of a friend. I pray peace for your whirling thoughts, and comfort in your sickness. I pray your cocoon into the loving hands of Jesus. That He hold you tight, and safe, and fast. I pray rest for you.

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  7. I can’t wait to listen to that song when I have a little more time. Feel better soon girlie! Hope you’ve been able to watch some good movies.

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  8. Oh my friend… I have missed you but honestly, I have not been around to the #fmfparty for a couple of weeks either! Praying for you… so sorry that this is a battle that is real life for you right now. Praying for sleep and peaceful rest, for healing and hunger… and yes – thanking God with you that God is always with us… even with our crazy! Love you girlie! (and that song! I’d never heard it – but YES!!!)

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  9. I can relate. I like to think that Jesus still loves me BECAUSE I am a little crazy! So glad I’ve learned to embrace that… and so glad that I stopped by your blog today. (Unsure if it was the fever… or the meds… or just you) but your writing style is refreshing! (#43 FMF)

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