Ill Fitting

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Gentle Reader,

I went to sleep at 9:30 p.m. on Monday night and woke up at 2:00 p.m. Tuesday afternoon.

I went to sleep at 6:30 p.m. Tuesday evening and woke up at 10:30 a.m. Wednesday morning.

That comes out to 32.5 hours of sleep.

It’s difficult for me to wrap my mind around that, let alone try and explain such a happening to someone else. Chronic Fatigue is hard. I do everything I know to do to manage the symptoms, but there are times when nothing helps. Alarms make no impression. There’s no such thing as Circadian Rhythm. I don’t – can’t – even think about getting out of bed. There is nothing but sleep.

Non-restful, painful sleep.

In a culture that glorifies busyness…no, scratch that. In a church culture that honors the busy, overly-involved woman, how does one such as I find her place? I can’t be on the committees. I can’t be at all the events. Shoot, I can barely commit to something that’s going to happen in the next hour, let alone the next day or week. I simply don’t know how I’m going to feel.

There are some who say to “push through.” I wish I could. I wish I could tell my body that it needs to wake up. I wish I could bounce out of bed with vigor, ready to tackle a new day. I wish I didn’t have the constant desire to curl up and drift away.

32.5 hours of sleep is lonely. I miss time with my husband. I miss going to work. I miss out on friendships.

I miss out on doing something valuable. Of being part of something.

This post must sound incredibly whiny, but I promise that I’m not indulging in a public play for sympathy. I am searching for a purpose in the midst of all this. I’m looking for a place where I know I fit. Where I can contribute. When your body forces you from being a Martha and bypasses Mary completely, going instead for something that looks like a sloth, you feel useless. You want to do so much more than you can. You want to know that your life matters.

I suppose that there are no immediate answers to deep questions of direction, save that God says, quite simply, that I do matter. I haven’t won the Pulitzer. Don’t even have a book deal. I’m not a world-renowned teacher. I’ve never been on a missions trip. I don’t have much money or influence. But, somehow, I matter. Even though I don’t fit neatly into any role or relationship. Even though I can sleep for days.

Sometimes, you just have to agree with God and wait for the rest to pan out.

So much easier said than done.

My journey to faith. (15)

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4 thoughts on “Ill Fitting

  1. I used to be that way… stress and poor diet was my main cause, I became depressed so much that I let a whole day pass by… but then that thought came to my head, the thought that days from my life were lost, and I will never regain them scared me… something clicked inside, and I became more active.
    I hope you will locate your own button and click it, and best of luck in winning the Pulitzer 😉

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  2. Only one can be in charge of our LIFE; and you dear freind have made the correct choice.

    What we Do, or don’t Do are prayers of a different sort; but nevertheless THEY ARE PRAYERS.

    Only worry and fret about things YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT. The rest is satanic temptations.

    The Serenity Prayer
    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    Enjoying one moment at a time;
    Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    Taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    Trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    That I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    Forever in the next.
    Amen.

    –Reinhold Niebuhr

    AMEN!

    Allow God to Lead be happy to be called to follow.

    Love and prayers,
    Pat

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  3. You are too young for the Pulitzer; church is much too busy for God so just pray as you try to sleep. God prefers that over “busyness” any day. The world’s mold is not God’s. If it helps I have purposely removed myself from many activities whether it is church or community in an effort to spend time alone with God. He is much better to be with than most people.

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