Gentle Reader,
My left bicep hurts. At least I think it’s my bicep. I could consult Google, but frankly I don’t want to. I’m too tired to open another tab. And I don’t really care what muscle it actually is. It’s sore and there’s a low, annoying headache behind my eyes. But I’m going to do this thing, because if I stop now, I’ll cut off the reestablishment of the writing habit before it’s had time to settle.
Kate says: need.
Go.
Got this year’s flu shot today. Hung out in Walgreens for an hour. Impatience nipped at me. Waves of irritation rippled in the air. There was too many people in line and not enough people behind the plexiglass enclosed counter. A man got fussy about his insurance not covering the cost of the shot. A woman complained loudly about not being able to find a particular sort of vitamin pack she wanted.
In my mind, I was yelling at everyone, telling them all to shut up.
On a good, non-pandemic day, I am overwhelmed in a crowd. Now, I have to fight with myself to go anywhere. No place feels safe. Nobody seems safe.
Is the loud complaining going to escalate into yelling and then move into slaps and punches? Does someone have a gun? Of course they do. This is Idaho.
I’m scared.
I’m simply scared.
You may think I’m being melo- or over-dramatic. You can think that. It’s fine. You might not have to work against your brain’s natural wiring each day. I do.
And see, you’d probably not know it to look at me, unless you were paying really close attention. I do my best to hide my anxiety when I’m out in the world, because if I had a sense of everyone around me knowing exactly how I feel, I’d be even more vulnerable. No thank you.
Anyway, all this tension and I just want to get out of there. I don’t want to hear about vitamins. I can’t stand that the man next to me is chewing gum in what I can only describe as an aggressive manner. I’m annoyed by the people being rude to the pharmacy technician. I feel bad for the man who’s trying to figure out how to get his first COVID shot; English isn’t his first language. Everything is too loud and the lighting is too bright and that shopping cart wheel is squeaking a few aisles over.
How am I supposed to love all these people, Lord? They’re so pushy and noisy. I feel small and weak out here in the world. I just want to go home and never leave again. How am I supposed to love them?
That’s why you need Me.
Stop.
“You might not have to work against your brain’s natural wiring each day. I do.”
I can really relate to this. Sometimes it seems like I’m just built different, seeing how others handle their lives so calmly and well. But maybe they are dealing with their own demons too, and I just don’t see it.
Anyway, thanks for this post!
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Love your honesty, Marie, and I can totally relate to that feeling of being overwhelmed by numbers of people and noise.
It can be so hard for those of us God has made introverts, where being with people tires us and in the circumstances you describe, exhausts us. Anxiety only turns up the volume on all this.
May you get the rest and restoration you need from Him.
(And if your arm hurts from your flu jab, that’s your tricep not bicep – just to save you googling!)
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Marie, I cannot imagine the anxiety you experience. Having also received my flu shot on Wednesday, I stood in line looking around at the people, listening to the interactions, fascinated by the process of it all. But one thing was exactly the same – we both realized to love those around us, we need Him.
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Too many people talking,
chewing gum and being rude,
heels clicking as they’re walking,
and I am just not in the mood
to care for them in the mass
or, really, care at all.
Give me trees and green, green grass,
and let me hear the call
of the loons on yonder lake,
the whisper of the morning breeze,
and as I of these partake,
I’ll fall unto my knees
and ask for, as a Christian’s leaven,
a deserted part of Heaven.
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This reminded me of the Bible Study I am working through (in)courage: Courageous Kindness. It is not easy, that is for sure! Reading your post reminded me I was supposed to get my flu shot today and I forgot…and wonder if I have the energy to go back out, sigh.
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I’m sorry it was so scary and overwhelming. I hope you feel better soon. And I agree, we definitely need God to help us love people even when it’s challenging.
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Hmm, guess I’m not the only one who feels as you described. I was at the gas station today, a young woman positioned her car so it would be difficult for me to get out when I was done. (She was in front of me) Then, she proceeded to yell at me to “move, someone’s waiting to get gas!” (Did I mention she parked her car at an awkward angle?) I truly believe just going out in public is nerve wracking and anxiety provoking. I need Jesus to keep His hand over my mouth when I’m out in public – just for incidents as you so eloquently described!
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Marie, thank you for sharing your raw emotions here with us. I too have severe anxiety and it’s horrible when I have a panic attack in the store, I can’t help but cry sometimes right there in the store. Indeed I need him, I can’t go at it alone. I seek him. Blessings.
~Selah ~
FMF #13
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