Gentle Reader,
No chat for me tonight. I plain forgot about it.
Kate says: tired.
Go.
In 2010, I began feeling tired all the time. And achy. Like I was always just about to come down with something. No matter how much I did or didn’t sleep, I never felt rested. Sometimes, I had a fever for no apparent reason. Not high enough to be alarming, but present. Though I have never been a party-hearty kind of gal, it became apparent that something was wrong.
Fast forward eight years, a dozen or so CT scans, the same amount of ultrasounds, four MRIs and four surgeries later – I’m still tired.
No, not tired. Exhausted. Always. Every day. I rate my level of weariness on a scale of “I can push myself to do what needs to be done,” which is a good day, to “I slept for fourteen hours and I still need a nap.”
From the outside, I probably look like a lazy person. My alarm goes off at 6:00 a.m. every morning. Three-fourths of the time I stumble out of bed, only to fall asleep on the couch minutes later. I strive not to. I pull my breakfast (vegan, soy-free) protein shake out of the refrigerator and open my Bible. I blink my eyes wide and attempt to focus my fog-filled mind. It’s hard.
Yesterday I lay down, after lunch, with the thought, “I just need to close my eyes for a few minutes.” Then it was three hours later. I woke with a start, feeling guilty. The afternoon was gone. Hours that will never return.
People ask me how I’m feeling. Usually, I say, “I’m hanging in there.” And it’s true. I would like a new body. In fact, I long for a new body. I will never be thankful for malfunctioning organs and a poor immune system. But there’s a lot of sweetness in and among the bitter. I learn to sit at the feet of Jesus. I learn to find my value and identity in Him, not in myself or what I can accomplish.
Walking through the days in this body of decay prompts me to think on Heaven. The culmination of all things. The presence of God. No night, no pain, no sorrow. There, I won’t be tired. And that promise is enough.
Stop.
I hear you. I’m too tired, it hurts too much, and I want it to stop.
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How I wish I could do something to lessen the pain for you.
Lord Jesus, please comfort and soothe my dear brother today.
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Oh my Marie! I can relate quite a bit! The last twenty years have been characterized by frequent periods of fatigue. I can identify causes for a few of them but not all. Nothing medical has identified the cause. In fact, I am struggling right now. It really can be a strong force. But I keep attempting to push through it and am thankful for the breakthroughs every now and then.
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I’m so sorry that you’re engaged in this battle, too. In Heaven, you and I will run a marathon together and laugh the whole time. We won’t feel the slightest bit tired afterward. 🙂
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I hear ya, friend. I was diagnosed with fatigue last year, which I know doesn’t compare, but MAN being tired all the time is so hard. I need to learn how to sit at the feet of Jesus. I struggle with that. I’d rather beg for a new body instead, which isn’t changing things.
Love you, friend.
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It is hard and I’m sorry that you’re in this fight, too. Chronic fatigue and pain sap every bit of energy you’ve got. I don’t think it’s wrong to pray for healing or long for a new body. I certainly do. But the days when I choose to use this time of inactivity wisely by sitting with my Savior are much better than the ones when I get lost in discontentment.
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Thank You! Those last sentences made me think of how my friend Ben is no longer in pain but is reunited with Jesus. He’s no longer tired. That gives me some comfort. I’m in the 6 spot this week.
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Hugs, my friend.
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Oh Marie. All I can say, is I’m so sorry. Living in a constant state of exhaustion is so difficult on every aspect of who we are. I have been thinking more about heaven lately. As I read Revelation 22 yesterday, I marveled at how amazing it will be to talk with Jesus face-to-face one day. And, we won’t be encumbered by the frailties of our bodies and the struggles of this world. It will be amazing.
In the meantime though, I’m saying a prayer for you tonight, my friend.
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Isn’t it so awesome that we’ll all, at the same time, be able to have private conversations with our Lord? That nobody will be left out? The fact that He’s not limited by time or space boggles my mind, but at the same time I’m grateful for it.
Thank you for the prayer. 🙂
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I was diagnosed several years ago with pathological sleepiness. Whatever that is. Praying you have energy for what God places before you today.
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I actually kinda like the phrase “pathological sleepiness.” It sounds cool and mysterious. I know it’s not fun, though. I’m sorry that you have to deal with that.
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I’m so sorry, Marie. Don’t lose heart.
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Thank you, Beth. I appreciate your words. 🙂
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Wow, Marie. I had no idea. One of my best friends has similar symptoms but adrenal fatigue as the diagnosis. I pray that Father God would heal and restore your physical body, comfort your weary soul, and quicken your spirit. You are such a powerhouse of a woman and I can only imagine what you will accomplish on the other side of this battle! Have a wonderful week!
Much love, Shauna ♥
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Thank you, Shauna! What encouraging words you’ve shared with me. Made me smile this morning!
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I’m sorry you’ve been suffering with this for so long. Your positive attitude in the midst of it is inspiring. It’s amazing to think of the freedom from pain and sorrow that awaits us in heaven!
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Positivity is absolutely a choice, one that I have to ask the Holy Spirit to empower me to make on a consistent basis. Left to my own devices, I’m quite the pessimistic curmudgeon. But then I get mad at myself for wasting days on complaining when there’s always something to be thankful for. So, yes, in more ways than one, I very much look forward to the freedom we’ll have in Heaven. No more struggles, physical or otherwise!
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Marie , I’m so sorry that you have to deal with extreme exhaustion all of the time. Must be so frustrating. I like what you say about this making you not finding your identity in what you accomplish. That is something we all do and grapple with when we can’t seem to be very productive. I hope you find a few hours of extra energy this weekend.
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No sorrow…I must admit that one seems most appealing to me right now. I’m tired, boss….
Love to you, Marie. 💜
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Thanks for sharing your story so openly. It really is helpful when we are willing to share our struggles….whether they be physical, emotional, relationships, etc. I do not share very well – but I would like to do better. Praying that you have a blessed, and grace-filled week – no matter how each new day plays out.
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” But there’s a lot of sweetness in and among the bitter. I learn to sit at the feet of Jesus. I learn to find my value and identity in Him, not in myself or what I can accomplish.” Oh, Marie. Thank you.
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