Five Minute Friday: Weary

Gentle Reader,

With little fanfare and even less introduction, I follow Kate and dwell on: weary.

Go.

I wrote these words long ago. Scribbled across the margin of a Bible study workbook. Among the first studies I ever did. Among the first poems I ever penned as an adult. They rise up from within my heart today. I am tired. I forgot to take my new medication last night, the one that helps my stomach to not hate me, and so I’m nauseous. I can’t decide whether to keep my bangs or grow them out so they’re in that really awkward phase that all women know about. Churchill’s black dog keeps trying to entice me to come and play. I am drawn. Beaten. Weary.

“Edge of Defeat”

Sometimes I feel like a

worn-out boxer

I have no fight left

within me

The weight of my load

is too great to bear

But the fear of giving it up

is greater still

For who would I be?

What would I miss out on?

Is letting go where

true freedom lies?

I should rather be master

of my own life!

But in my weakness

I know I’m not

For this sin, this cloud

has beaten me into dust

Has sapped my strength

consumed my mind

Yet for all the pain

it causes

This is my bosom friend

whom I loathe to love

I want to hide – O, God!

Please turn away!

Don’t look at me –

let me have my secret shame

I beg of You – just let me go!

For this cannot be worth Your time

If I really loved You

I’d have beaten this by now

Kicked the habit to the curb

KO’ed my shadowy opponent

Emerged victorious from the battle

Isn’t that the truth?

Alone in the corner of the ring

Head lowed, knuckles bruised and bloodied

I accept my loss, bow to my enemy

He moves to overtake me

Wicked grin spread cross his face

Eyes that gleam with hatred

Tears fall down my battered cheeks

How could I fail again?

Suddenly, that thing, that fright

that cursed enemy of souls

Flung away, vanished!

Conquered by an unseen hand.

Clear, cool water pours over me

cleaning my wounds, restoring

Still my head hangs low

For I sure know Who is standing there

Blinding light takes place of dark

I cower even farther – try to shrink in size

I know You saw! You know I blew it!

Where can I run to now?

You gently tip my chin up

I cannot meet Your eyes

I know You must be disappointed

I’ve fallen, yet again

You step away with whispered word

Dry the tears from off my face

“Fight!” You say,

and smile on me

“For I know one day you’ll

surely win!

Because of this – and this alone

Your tiny faith in me.”

“It may not seem as if it’s true

But have I ever lied?

So fight, my daughter,

I’ll bandage your wounds.

I will restore, prepare, make new

You have no secret shame

Nothing of you is hidden from me

And you can never fall too far.”

“You do not fight this war alone

Though sometimes you try!

Lean again, trust again,

And with wings spread you’ll soar.”

How can this Man love me so?

How can He save me once again?

One look in His eyes, all questions gone

I’ve all I need to know

The fight bell rings,

I rise – steadied, sure

One two punch, I’m in God’s hands

And I’ll be whole again.

Stop.