31 Days for the Ladies: Thank You, Cosmetics Companies

Along with many others, I’m shamelessly ripping off this bit from The Tonight Show. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, they say. Please do play the music as you read.

Gentle Reader,

That perfect shade of lipstick.

The one that brightens your face and plumps your lips and makes you feel like Audrey Hepburn when she played Sabrina Fairchild. After the glamorous Parisian makeover, of course. The one with just the right amount of sheen. That pulls together every outfit. That rescues a truly bad, frizzy hair day through the art of distraction.

Thank you, cosmetics companies, for discontinuing that shade.

I don’t understand why you do this to us.

You try to sell us something inferior. Something that’s close, but not quite. And the formula is all wrong. And it leaves stains on coffee cups. Stains that never come out. Not even with bleach. It took us years to find that lipstick. Years, I say. Torture. Pain and suffering.

We’re scraping the bottom of the tube with q-tips.

I can’t even.

Just stop it.

For all entries in the 31 Days for the Ladies series, go here.