The Perfect Love of God

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Gentle Reader,

My husband and I had a tough couple of days earlier this week. We’ve struggled with an issue within our marriage for the last few years. Not abuse, addiction or adultery, but a tough thing, nonetheless. He went to bed early, feeling hurt. I researched this issue online for awhile, feeling hurt.

We talked a bit when I got into bed. We both acknowledged that neither of us was trying to be hurtful to the other; it’s just the way that this has played out. He turned back to his book. I stuffed in my earplugs and slipped on my eye mask.

And then, dear reader, I went to a very dark place.

I’m ashamed of the fact that I jumped, head first, into this hole.

The fact that I am WAY. TOO. HARD. on myself isn’t a secret. Trust me when I assure you that I’m very aware of my constant, gaping need for greater understanding of God’s grace. This was hammered home in a very intense way as I poured out a great store of bitterness is silent, tear-soaked prayers. I didn’t blame God for anything. Instead, I took the blame. For it all. For every mistake and hard moment. For every willful decision. “You gave me this life,” I cried, “and all I’ve done is screw it up.”

It makes me squirm to read those words. God has been so faithful to me. So faithful! He’s walked me through a long, hard season of learning. He’s brought people into my life who have equipped me with the tools the battle negative thinking and outright lies. I could sense that He was practically yelling at me to STOP IT. To take a breath and to remember what is true. To roll over and cry with my husband instead of giving in to the fear that he wouldn’t understand.

I didn’t.

Old habits die hard, dear reader.

Sleep was elusive that night. I pressed into the sorrow and anxiety, wrapping it around me like an old, stinky blanket. I’ve worked so hard for so long to fold that blanket up and put it away whenever I take it off the shelf! But that night…it was like a friend. The friend who constantly lashes out at you.

Chris and I talked more the next morning, when emotions weren’t running so high. We discussed what practical steps we could take to address this issue and I hope to be able to start that path soon. We hugged and said those special words, “I love you.” The seas between us calmed.

Within me, however, all was not calm. I was disgusted with myself for having giving in so easily to the temptation of self-hatred, and yet I felt a strange release. I wasn’t sure how to approach God, or if I even could. Did I need to repent? Did He understand fully why I went to the place I did? Was it okay that I felt less…icky after letting all that out? I felt shy, sheepish. Should I hand my head or stand tall?

While at work I was able to listen to a teaching given by Beth Moore, part of a series on the book of Romans. (You can find it here). In this lesson she talked about the perfect love of God; how He loved us while we were out jumping into dark holes and how there’s nothing that can separate us from that love. The Lord quite simply is love. This is not an emotion that He feels or an action that He is required to take. Love is His personality. It is His being. Perfect – whole. Complete.

I’ve heard this concept taught more times than I can count, but it fell on me in a fresh way. Yes, it was…well, stupid of me to go down a road that I knew would only make me feel worse. I should have stopped, done a 180-degree turn and ran toward my loving, tender Father with my tears. Any discipline that comes my way for making a foolish decision is well-deserved. But He didn’t stop loving me as I tried to hide under that blanket. He didn’t stop calling out to me. He didn’t shake His head and say, “Well, I guess I’m done with her.”

God is not a human being. He is not changeable in His plan, purpose or affections. I have struggled for so long to understand this, but today in my Bible study I came to the conclusion that some things just have to be accepted. You just have to let them wash over you and let the compulsion to know everything fall by the wayside. Or let God pry it out of your white-knuckled fist, which is how it is with me. Sometimes you just have to say, “Thank you.”

My journey to faith. (15)


15 thoughts on “The Perfect Love of God

  1. Marie, this sounds strange but I always enjoy your posts (even ones where you beat yourself up) because…..your words are heartfelt but maturing. This journey is hard, but you are growing and learning more than most your age. The Marie of 2 years ago is not at all the Marie I read today. Joyce Meyer always says, “I am not where I want to be, but thank God I left.” You left my dear and are an inspiration.


  2. My dear friend in Christ,

    Thank God I can share that my bride and I will be celebrating 46 years in July. MOST of the good. [But not all].

    One of the MOST critical and therefore it would seem; most difficult lessons to learn in life is: WHO’S IN CHARGE?

    Knowing us as only our Creator can; God KNOWS this and attemps to simplify our choices for us. Either we ARE or HE IS. [HUGE SMILE ADDED HERE] And nom splitting the responsibility.

    But YOUR case; because You ARE so VERY special to God requires special handling from BOTH you and hubby.

    Everything that happens from very insignifiant to life changing has Go’d hand in it. This happens for one of two reasons:

    1. Gods POSSIBLE Glorification

    2. Our POSSIBLE sanctfication

    When Its a “Good”; God is Glorified and we are sanctified

    When its not so Good; because we can choose to OFFER it up; or to learn form our error, God is still Glorfied because of the opportunity He lovingly presented to us.

    We however are not sanctified by our freewill choice.

    That said MY FRIEND; in YOUR case, your “freewill” simply IS NOT always your freewill. That is a cross God gives you. God has promised to NEVER give US a cross that the TWO of us [God and me/you] can’t handle.

    There is a sense that God is a special way expects MORE from you; BUT ALSO a sense where He rightly expects and ACCEPTS LESS FROM you. God judes us as GOD; not as we judge ourselves. God made you who and WhAT you are my friend. God loves you for who and WHAT you are and how HE made you.

    Rather than beating yourself up; TRY taking to God. What would YOU my God have me done differently? PLEASE Grant me the grace I need to know and do your Will.

    Suffering is a normal part of the human condition. My mentor [before he died] used to tell us that it’s not the suffering that is important; BUT what we do with it. he ALSO told us that those God loves more [YOU my friend] he gives more opportunites to.

    Take Up your Cross and Follow Me
    Phil.2: 8 “And being found in human form he humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even death on a cross Luke.9 :23 And he said to all, “If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. Mark.8: 34 And he called to him the multitude with his disciples, and said to them, “If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. Luke.9: 23 And he said to all, “If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. Luke.14: 7 Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me, cannot be my disciple.”

    1Pet.4: 13 ” But rejoice in so far as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

    1Pet.5: 1, 9 “So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ as well as a partaker in the glory that is to be revealed. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experience of suffering is required of your brotherhood throughout the world.”

    Phil.1: 29 “For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake, “

    2Thes.1: 5 “This is evidence of the righteous judgment of God, that you may be made worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering “

    Heb. 2: 10 For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through suffering.

    2Tim.4: 5 “As for you, always be steady, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.”

    Keep in mind that Marriage in several ways is and requires miracles. The gender dfferences are REAL! very signifiant and can only be tolerated with God’s help.

    Your both in my prayers,


    1. Thank you, Patrick! I watched the movie “Evan Almighty” last night (not a favorite, but not bad, either), and one of the scenes talked about God doing what He does because He loves us. Even when it’s tough or we don’t understand, He loves us.


  3. Thank you. I too was in that dark hole and strangely enough it was at a Beth Moore meeting in Eugene OR. a few weeks ago that I too finally understood in my heart what I already knew in my head.


  4. Once again, you have a way of laying it all out in the open and that is why I enjoy your writing. You are real and transparent, which is what all of us should be all the time. Funny how we “hide” our true selves, which are a lot more enjoyable than the “phony” facades we crave. Bless you, Marie for your gift of telling it like it is! I praise the Lord for you!


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