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Dreams

Gentle Reader,

I have come close to shutting down this blog. In fact, I have come close to giving up writing altogether.

During the winter of my first grade year, I started writing Sherlock Holmes stories (you don’t know about plagiarism when you’re 6) on big, connected sheets of computer paper that my dad would bring home from work. The kind with the alternating white and green lines. I think I also had a journal that year (never, ever has it been a diary), though the memory is a bit fuzzy on that. What a little girl would have to write about in a journal and what adventures I concocted for that eminent fictional hero, I don’t know, but I do know that I was immediately hooked. The way the pages rustled. The way the words looked. The way the pen felt in my hand.

The way I could say things that I otherwise couldn’t say.

There were times I flirted with the idea of being a teacher or a lawyer, but inevitably I would come back to writing. My by-line appeared in the school papers from age 10 through the college years. Short story assignments thrilled me. Essay contests were a great challenge. Even working on poetry, not my forte, was better than crunching numbers for some ridiculous math assignment.

Whenever someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I would confidently reply, “I want to be writer.”

Perhaps you remember that I decided one of my goals for this year would be to finish a project (i.e. a book)? It’s not happening. I had an idea. I plugged away at it for awhile. And then..I didn’t like it anymore. It sounded too much like someone else and nothing like me. So, I abandoned it. Well, not entirely. I thought I might approach it from a different angle. Haven’t started.

Today I wrote in my journal:

“What am I missing? I don’t want to be stuck. Yet…I am.”

That feeling of stuckness leaves me pondering some things. I have always connected writing to the conventional world of publishing, whether magazines, newspapers or print books. You let your soul bleed onto the page and, if someone decides it’s worthwhile, they take it and put it in a pretty package and you get some money. Then you start the process again. Hopefully, you’re successful enough to make a living at it, without pandering to the whims of publishers or the fickle hearts of the public.

But what if this gift, this call, is meant to be used differently? What if the blogging and the emails and the sending of birthday/sympathy/whatever cards is just as impactful as a book?

What of all the talented people out there who never do see their names emblazoned on the front of a paperback? I wouldn’t tell a single one of them to give up their dreams. With all my heart I believe that their messages are important, their voices meaningful. They must find a way of expression, even that expression is confined to the smallest of audiences.

And what of writing for the pure enjoyment of it? There is a great richness to be discovered on that blank page! Must it be all about getting the money that doesn’t really provide the security? Must it be about gaining notoriety? I can at least be honest about that; I would LOVE for a reviewer to give me glowing praise! But…how long would the effect last? I know myself. Not long.

I have been approaching the art of writing as a way to make my mark on the world. And that approach has become a paralytic. It has to be perfect, it has to be totally unique, it has to be the BEST. If it isn’t any of these things, then it isn’t worth it. And if it isn’t worth it, then why do it?┬áBut who decides what is and what isn’t “worth it?”

Forgive this rambling musing, dear reader. There is something here that I am wrestling with, and I suspect that I am not the only one.

Grace and peace along the way,

toujszda2


6 Comments

The Writing Life

Gentle Reader,

Participating in the 31 Days challenge reaffirmed for me the necessity of daily discipline in writing. Though I cannot find the source of this information just now, I remember reading that Edith Wharton and Henry James both maintained a strict writing schedule. While I am not arrogant enough to count myself among their ranks, I see the sense in the blending of art and work. Some days the words flow without effort. Others, they must be forced.

I have had a new project lurking in the corners of my mind for some time now. The preliminary research is done; pink sticky notes mark important passages in several well-loved books. But I am afraid. I open a Word document and stare at the blinking cursor. It seems that my experience of two years ago not only knocked me down a much-needed peg or two, it inspired fear. What if I can’t do this? Why do I think I have anything valuable to say?

There is vulnerability in putting words to paper. I like blogging because I can ignore negative comments. I don’t have to see anyone read these posts. To write another book, to pour in the hours of effort, to delete pages worth of work and begin again, all to run the risk of being rejected…. Crippling self-doubt halts the process.

I am shaking my head right now, seeing clearly that I continue to idolize the good opinion of others. Ah, but a writer lives on those reviews – doesn’t she? Or can she pursue her craft as an act of faith, lifting it up as worship to the King?

Long ago I determined that this writing would not be about me. If I believe that God gives us gifts and talents, then I must believe that He wants us to use those gifts and talents in service to Him. That means words. That means sharing the truth the best way I know how. So pray, dear friend, as I struggle to begin. There may be days where it comes easily. There may be days when I fight with my own self just to spit out one sentence.

Fear has stopped me from doing too many things, too many times. I can’t let it get in the way of this. I don’t see myself big enough or brave enough to shove the feeling aside, but I know the One who is.

Grace and peace along the way,

toujszda2

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